So how can you tell the difference between healthy doubts and lethal ones? These four signs, especially when combined, could mean you are (consciously or unconsciously) preparing for divorce.
It is All Greek to You – Poor Communication
People love to blame money troubles and a lack of sex (or a plethora of it with other people!) as the primary root causes of divorce but that is not the case. The biggest culprit is poor communication.
If it feels like one partner is speaking Mandarin while the other is speaking Portuguese, there’s a good chance that communication has splintered. This can lead to a lack of sexual desire, which then can lead to feelings of discontent and anger.
In turn, either party may feel disconnected and want to punish and/or control their spouse. When money and other issues surface on top of the bad communication, the situation cannot often withstand the pressure. That is when you might find yourself at my office door.
You No Longer Sweat the Small Stuff
Once upon a time, you nagged your spouse about seemingly every irritation and upset. Nowadays, you couldn’t be bothered. What’s the point? Nothing ever seems to change for the better.
This is you detaching from the relationship.
While many think it is passionate fighting that leads to the matrimonial graveyard (though surely that could be a big factor,) in the end it is when you both stop complaining that I worry. (Be careful what you wish for.)
Shutting down the lines of communication and distancing oneself is just one way that people make themselves care less about their relationships – making it easier to pull the plug when they deem the time right. If you already have one foot out the door of communication, the other is wont to follow.
You are Creating an Exciting New Life – Without Your Partner
Have you recently found a great passion for salsa dancing and haven’t bothered to teach your spouse a single step? Does your ideal fantasy vacations no longer include your partner at your side?
Disinterest creates distance – emotional and physical. If you feel like pushing your partner out of the fun activities that you used to share together – or if you suddenly need time alone to pursue new interests – this could be a sign you’re disengaging.
Any long-term relationship is always going to ebb and flow, but we are not talking about healthy independence, per se. If you have a growing need to create a new life picture that does not include your spouse, you may simply be “nesting” for a new, divorced life.
You Have (mentally) Walked a Mile in Your Own Post-Divorce Shoes
Marriage is hard, divorce can be harder. The grass often seems greener on the other side, but it might worth crossing the street for some deep contemplation to know what you aregetting yourself into.
There is much to consider with a decision that will drastically change your life and the lives of those close, especially children. In my new book Soon-to-Be-Ex , I offer some questions that can bring into focus the realities that divorce may force you to face:
- Did a recent change bring stress to your marriage?E.g. job loss, change in financial situation, new baby, death of a parent.
- Are you willing to forego luxuries in lieu of necessities?
- Will you be comfortable not seeing your children on certain days?
You did not enter into your marriage, without thoroughly assessing your partner’s qualities as a mate – the same level of assessment is necessary if you are contemplating exiting that marriage.